I've tried to conceal my concentration and attention span issues, but the truth is I've been unemployed since my heart attack / brain hemorrhage in 2002, and I haven't looked very hard for a job. The main reason is that the prospect of trying to focus on one task (or group of tasks) for eight hours at a stretch fills me with uncertainty and doubt. When I had a job, it was in IT, tech support. The Windows computing environment has changed dramatically since I left it, and I don't think I'm capable of undergoing the training it would take to bring me back up to speed.

But if not that, just what kind of work would I return to? And how would I train for it?

Another factor is the intensifying of existing anger-management issues. Saying it that way may convey the wrong idea: I don't get violent. I never have. But what I do get is sullen and uncommunicative -- or, worse, resentful and adversarial. It all seems perfectly reasonable at the time -- up to a point. When that point arrives, I don't stop begin unreasonable and belligerent, but a part of me does step back and watch in horror as I continue this verbal cruelty. I'm aware that what I'm saying is irrational and wrong, but I say it anyway because, well, once having gotten on the train, I can't seem to get off.

Enough of that.

The psychiatrist is helping me on a multi-layered approach. He's suggesting some alternate plans of action, and adjusting my medications in hopes of producing a more balanced effect. (Those I've taken to this point either don't mute the anger enough, or mute joy as well leaving me feeling--well, emotionally numb.)

I can't say I really want to be a pharmaceutical experiment, but such is the reality of 21st century mental health care.

Wish me luck, my friends.